I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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