So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
