I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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