You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I love having hate sex.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Randomize
