I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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