But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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