Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
