Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Randomize
