well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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