God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Randomize
