I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
