I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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