this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
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