I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
