Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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