I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
