and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
