Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Randomize
