Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
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