When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
