We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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