I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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