how can u be prego again
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
