she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
