He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Randomize
