Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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