dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
we're so committed to being not committed
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