Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
