Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
