I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
