I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
