i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
