ya dads aren't the best wingmen
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
