just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
