you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
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