You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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