About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
