Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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