He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
