She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
