chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
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