He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Randomize
