I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
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