I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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