I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
