dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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