Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I skipped work to stalk him.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Randomize
