I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
