I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
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