I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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