Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
