WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
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